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chapter one

realizing men's Passages

figuring out men'S PASSAGESDISCOVERING the brand new MAP OF men'S LIVESBy GAIL SHEEHYRANDOM condo, INC.

or not it's a guy issue

    It has traditionally been assumed that age is kinder to guys than to girls. My research over the last eight years has revealed a excellent reversal: many men forty and over are having a tougher time nowadays making a delightful passage into the second half of their lives than are most ladies. Why?

    girls feel pangs over dropping their adolescence.

    men think dread.

    "it be the dread of losing potency!" says my pal Fitzgerald. "it's imagining your self as an actor onstage who has misplaced his voice."

    There are some inevitable alterations as they tramp the experience of lifestyles. guys always hit them as they'd a brick wall--and then may also fall aside. if they knew what to are expecting in develop, it might aid them to master these adjustments and take advantage of them.

    The factor of this ebook is to aid men and their partners to outwit the inevitable adjustments forward. nowadays, notably for guys below 50, the timing of marker activities--completing faculty, first grown-up job, marriage, parenthood, empty nest, retirement, golden years--has grew to become out to be unpredictable. What a person is supposed to do, and when, isn't clear. it is both wonderful and disorienting, like sailing for a new world but questioning in case you will drop off the fringe of the old one first. The maps and charts are all out-of-date. Any man who feels a bit lost is hardly on my own.

    the first step is to take note the passages that guys move through after age 40, and then to find, within the new map of men's lives, how to travel these new passages for your self with more suitable cognizance and a passport to renewal. Even on a area as threatening as "male menopause," the information is decent and getting improved. it is gradually fitting diagnosed as a mindbody syndrome that is perfectly typical, common, treatable, and sometimes reversible. Pharmaceutical organizations are racing to offer guys perpetual virility--via popping a capsule. As instant and compelling as is the difficulty most guys have with how their sexual performance could be affected by growing older, there is plenty more concerned in restoring vitality and virility than placing more lead returned in the pencil. intellect-set concerns at the least as a whole lot as bodily alterations. The total gamut of motives and the superb armamentarium for combating male menopause are spelled out later within the book.

    Why single out guys? or not it's not as radical a departure because it might seem to be; I have been writing concerning the predictable and unpredictable adjustments of grownup existence for both sexes on account that the publication of Passages in 1976. but after twenty years of probing the psyche and decoding the have an impact on of cultural shifts on each sexes, I faced a humbling admission:

    men don't keep in mind girls, however at least they are aware of it. girls don't take note men, but they do not are aware of it. Does here communicate sound in any respect well-known?

    "what is wrong?"

    "Nothing."

    "Why may not you confer with me?"

    "What about?"

    "About why you look so down."

    "i am just drained."

    "however you just sit down around observing tv. every now and then, you could get essentially the most tired from doing nothing."

    "i am not doing nothing! There are things I must feel about."

    "It seems such as you've come to a degree to your existence the place issues are changing for you. How does that make you feel?"

    "it be simply whatever you have to move through."

    "i'd like to help. won't you confer with me about it?"

    "what's there to say?"

    "what's it you desire out of existence? just make up your mind and be straight with me."

    "I do not know what I need."

    Most of us have had such conversations. i know I have survived a number of of those making an attempt-to-aid-but-handiest-making-it-worse dialogues. The presumption among women is that they comprehend what's wrong with their men, and that they may fix it if most effective men would hear. however do many women truly understand what or not it's like for a man these days?

    Milton Glaser, a legendary photograph artist and a sensible and cherished chum, made this remark of the cultural lag between the genders: "ladies are developing a new belief device; a new way of viewing existence is coalescing. Most men don't know what's going on to them. They do not need any thought what to accept as true with in. For loads of us, the values they grew up with have been subverted and altered. men are astonished at this alternate; they haven't formulated a response to it. or not it's a time when guys are very, very uncertain."

    men may additionally no longer equate alternate with increase. often speaking, they associate alternate with loss, giving up, being overtaken, failing. It is not viewed as a favorable part of inner growth and the road to a new sort of vigor. mainly within the first half of their lives, men are rewarded for putting blinders on and pursuing their slim profession route: lifestyles looks easy.

    "In my company lifestyles, i'm always telling enterprise leaders how important it's to step again, look at traits, see what the longer term might bring, and plan forward for it," says a brand new York public relations man, "however in my very own and profession life, neglect it." He expresses a male view as old as time: "I just maintain moving ahead in a form of dumb-beast method, seeing the subsequent probability and throwing my spear at it, taking my lumps and hoping everything will work out for me. whether as guys we're hardwired to believe that method or it's the consistent method of socialization, they just don't like to alternate."

    You might also have been dashing along the route you put on your twenties when, abruptly, the street turns bumpy. or you hit a washed-out patch and cannot movement ahead. Or the juice simply drains out of your batteries. How do you recharge your self? alternate gears? Who do you flip to for support?

    It has develop into a cliche to assert that guys do not like to ask questions. certainly, here's now not at all times proper. (My husband has stopped on the nearest gasoline station to ask for directions as a minimum as soon as.) however guys have not been taught to ask questions about their sexual existence cycle or their health or psychological well-being. They do not think they have got the time or need for such consultations--until disaster strikes. reviews demonstrate that guys make a long way fewer visits to medical doctors than ladies, and once they do go, they generally do not ask any questions. underneath the silence and stoicism, although, most guys over 40 experience that the playing field of lifestyles is radically distinct from the area of their fathers.

    An financial revolution equivalent to the industrial Revolution is pitting mature men towards younger, computing device-savvy digerati. adventure may no longer count for as tons in marketplaces focused on the now. now not simplest are new expertise demanded, for which a few generations--older child boomers, the "Silent generation," the realm battle II generation--don't seem to be prepared, however a special attitude is required. The suggestions of the online game between organisation and employee have modified. You was once in a position to count on the company father--the farseeing, benevolent giver of rewards and reprimands. Now the business enterprise is a digital father--amorphous, nonhierarchical--and you'll in no way be clear where you stand.

    The floor of members of the family between guys and girls has also undergone an earthquake of exchange. guys of the child-boom and earlier generations have been socialized, as boys, to assume a obviously prescribed role within the benign patriarchy portrayed in familiar way of life by way of suggests corresponding to Ozzie & Harriet and depart It to Beaver. As young adults they have been thrown off stability, ridiculed via the ladies's move, and later dismissed with the aid of some educational activists as belonging to a continuum of "dead white men." In core existence they find themselves competing with a newly confident species of younger skilled girls. Add the force to stay youthful and show perpetual virility, and a lot of of modern guys over 40 are in drawback. If a man keeps playing by using the old scoreboard and the historical timetable, he is likely to strike out.

    in this local weather of uncertainty, a whole lot of men have talked to me candidly about all kinds of forbidden topics: their issues about getting older, the ebbing of physical strength and athletic prowess, their fears of losing their jobs and their fathers, the that means disaster they face at the midpoint of their lives, their envy of empowered working wives, their need to be closer to their infants before they lose them, their preretirement anxieties, and the whole question of potency in all areas of their lives.

    in all probability you on no account thought these questions would subject you. you may have in no way idea about not being younger. a well-recognized entertainer turned into stunned the first time lie went throughout the supermarket line and he checkout woman looked all the way through him. nonetheless handsome, though his jawline is now slightly softened, he's less cocky and fewer confrontational; he appears to have calmed down and warmed up--features that would most likely boost his powers of enchantment. Yet after they talked, he could center of attention simplest on the negative points of these changes: "You believe separated from early life at the same time you're feeling diminished in physical energy and stamina; you beginning being omitted with the aid of more youthful men; the intercourse is never as notable because it turned into; an incredible need to be younger once again comes over you."

    after I ask guys if they ever speak over these questions with their male pals, they almost always shake their heads: "No."

    Why no longer?

    "or not it's a man thing."

    most of the time they do not even discuss these concerns with their other halves, who are sometimes preoccupied with their own midlife adjustments. After a lecture in Pennsylvania, i was stopped via an brisk-looking girl with a booklet bag slung over her shoulder. I started lower back to school in my late thirties," she pointed out. "i'll celebrate my forty-2d birthday by getting my diploma as a medical social employee. My husband stored complaining, 'you might be altering. Why? i'm the same man you married twenty years in the past.' Bingo! it's the purpose we're getting divorced."

    The husband likely thinks that remaining the same, and hiding his emotions and frustration, is being manly. He can also feel caught, even trapped, by means of his fiscal tasks. He expects himself to be the same company, the same aggressive competitor he at all times turned into, expecting his body to take punishment and burn fats and entice women the manner it at all times did. however below the bravado he probably doesn't think the same thrill of the chase he did in his twenties. His complete identity is tied up with the status he has performed to this point. If he lets go even a little, what else is there?

    He can not think about a way to alternate. Why should he?

    When women in midlife go again to college, delivery new careers, or leave stifling marriages, for probably the most part they're exhilarated. in spite of the fact that their revenue and standing isn't as exceptional as a person's, they derive greater delight--as a result of they started with so an awful lot less. The guys they leave at the back of are often resentful, even jealous, having possible helped to finance a former spouse's emergence into the reputation of "being my own grownup" on the price of their own revamping.

    Linear reasoning is probably going to steer a man to think, "once I achieve certain issues, then i'll be chuffed." but it surely isn't most effective titles and cloth accomplishments that remember. And when those exterior achievements fall to deliver that means and joyfulness on schedule, men turn into annoyed. puzzled. indignant. And ashamed to confess it.

    This male malaise has no identify. it is a depressing continent. Most guys don't appreciate--or refuse to accept--that they continue to go through different stages during their grownup lives. And few men I have studied are even aware that essential new passages nonetheless lie forward--after forty. These crossroads demand a full stop and a pause to appear inward. They present a man with an opportunity to stretch and progress, or to lock in and regress. it is essential to let go of a bit handle during these times of passage so that an historical shell can also be sloughed off and area made for a yeasty, multidimensional "new self" to grow.

    Transitional periods are all the time unsettling, for anyone. but an absence of recognition makes it more seemingly that a man might also slide into depression and do all types of self-damaging issues. more commonly than now not, men don't seem to be even aware of being depressed. They start slipping down the cliff, inch by inch, while clutching frantically for anything to hang on to or simply numbing themselves to what appears like an inevitable descent down the lower back aspect of lifestyles.

    This e-book items a brighter outlook, in line with research with cutting-edge new guys. it's men in core life who have the top of the line probability to develop into masters of their fate--more suitable fans, improved fathers, truer to themselves and their personal values, freer to categorical their emotions and exercise their creativity, greater influential, greater collaborative, greater religious. They need handiest potential and a mind open adequate to acquire it.

    however time is running out! not virtually as fast as you suppose. definitely, the middle years are the stage of expertise maximum well-being within the lives of match knowledgeable americans nowadays. You don't consider it? consider some data:

ARE YOU organized FOR yet another life?

We are living during the most excellent miracle 'in the heritage of their species--the doubling of life expectancy considering that the commercial Revolution. again when the united states was based, existence expectancy at beginning stood at simplest about 35 years. by way of 1900, it reached 47 years. probably the most superb trends of the twentieth century has been to stretch the existence cycle by means of a standard of thirty years--more than the overall received over 5 thousand years going back to the Bronze Age! one other shock of respectable news on lifestyles expectancy seemed 'in September 1997 'within the new york times:

In 1996 on my own, American guys brought six months to their lifeexpectancy and reached a new excessive.

    That became based on an analysis of U.S. a must-have statistics with the aid of the centers for disorder control. The commonplace male life span is now 73 years. it's additionally catching up with the feminine existence span (now a regular of seventy nine), because the number of AIDS deaths and the *incidence of heart disease and melanoma decline. Between now and the yr 2030, the percentage of people over age 65 will virtually double. And this should be true, even sooner, in every single place Europe.

    great, you can also say, but when a long life span capability spending years with my bulb dimming and my physique falling aside, overlook it. all of us appear to their fathers and moms as mirrors of their personal growing old. those are miscues in lots of techniques. When their folks grew to become 50, they notion they have been ancient. They notion they were historic. due to the fact that 1950, unimagined advances had been made in drugs; and, more pertinent, public health training throughout the mass media has induced profound changes in personal habits. people in core existence these days have a very different existence profile from that of their fogeys, who have been anticipated to turn off their intellectual engines in their fifties. They failed to dream of operating marathons or gulping down hormones to preserve them randy except their eighties.

    individuals are maturing past, physically, but taking longer to develop up emotionally, and an awful lot, an awful lot longer to develop historic. For the middle courses, adolescence is now prolonged except the conclusion of the twenties. Their First adulthood best starts at about age 30. somewhere around the midforties they enter a huge passage into what used to be a rather staid, if no longer stagnant, middle age.

    Yet they appear to be extra reluctant to develop up than ever earlier than. Of the hundreds of men over forty whom I even have interviewed, most trust they're 5 to ten years more youthful than that imposter whose graphic come what may slipped inner their passports. these days the midpoint of maturity is not any longer always forty--or not it's extra like 50.

Fifty is what 40 was.

    if you are a man now in his thirties, forties, or early fifties, which you could modify your lens on growing old. Beneficiaries of the growth in men's fitness, biotechnology, and brain analysis, you belong to a species exceptional on earth, a species whose lifestyles span will automatically prolong into your eighties and nineties. This ability you ought to put together for the chance of one more existence--past the traditional roles and obligations--since the years from forty to eighty or ninety offer you a whole new taking part in field: what I name your "2d adulthood."

    In 2nd maturity you start to study that achievement In life is not in as a result of the without problems racking up facets on a single scoreboard. quite, there are a number of distinct scoreboards--as son, mate, father, pal, colleague, mentor, neighborhood intelligent man, benefactor. The essential innings of second maturity are neither performed by way of the identical guidelines nor scored within the identical way as a young man's video game. but most guys are so focused on successful within the first half, they continually pass over the alerts that may prepare them with a winning strategy for core and later lifestyles.

    Gary Markovitz, for instance, become a good soldier. Having served in Vietnam and lower back to faculty to train as a technocrat, he had described himself for seventeen years absolutely inside the context of his enterprise. "When americans asked me what i'm, i used to be an IBMer," he admits. "now not Gary who worked at IBM, however an IBMer."

    by means of his midforties he started to ask yourself if his batteries have been donning down, but it surely did not turn up to him to wonder what else he might delight in doing. He heard about his company's buyout offer whereas on a enterprise trip to San Francisco. in the beginning he had no pastime in it. however on the airplane experience domestic he found himself brooding about a pal's recent funeral. the person had come up in the course of the ranks at IBM with Gary and had abruptly handed away from cancer.

    Gary found himself ticking off, finger by way of finger, just how many people may well be counted on to demonstrate up for his personal funeral. He didn't get very a ways. What value did he have outdoor IBM? He notion about his oldest son, who become already 25. earlier than long, there can be a grandson sitting on his knee. blameless and adoring, the boy would ask him, "Grandpa, what did you do this intended whatever?"

    I made money.

    "It did not flow the grandfather look at various," Gary determined. "I can be doing improved issues."

but i'm no longer competent!

a person in his late forties in a Minneapolis viewers expressed a standard challenge of men: "supply it to me straight. Do I should lose vigour as I grow older?"

    On the contrary. The vigor of intellect, rooted in experience, handiest raises as they meet the predictable crises and accidents of existence and find their resilience. a whole new stage has unfolded in the middle of life: the "Age of Mastery," a bonus stage from a while 45 to 65. The passage from First to 2d maturity and into the Age of Mastery basically transforms the idea of power.

    child boomers want a book to their center life. Theirs should be a brand-new adventure, crammed with surprises. four out of each ten American adults belong to the baby-increase generation, which, according to my research with the united states. Census Bureau, need to be divided into two subgenerations. The cutting edge can be known as the "Vietnam technology" (born 1946-1955). here's President Bin Clinton and British leading Minister Tony Blair's technology, which they describe as being robust in ideals but indifferent to the historic ideologies. Boomers now in their early forties to early fifties got here of age anticipating that every little thing would at all times get more desirable, and for most of them, it did. The spirit of the sixties shaped their utopian recognition, and vestiges of that spirit are nevertheless with them, tempered through the cynicism of the times.

    The more youthful half of the boomers--the "Me era"--got here of age within the Seventies (born 1956-1965) and ignored a great deal of the idealism of the Vietnam technology, but concentrated extra on personal building. They dreamed of reaching the perfectly balanced lifestyles and thus continue to delay taking up many of the tasks of full adulthood. but they are way more tolerant of egalitarian marriages, gay partnerships, single parenthood, and other social experiments. both halves of this dominant generation have all the time been incredibly individualistic and for that reason irreconcilably divided. but on one subject they seem to be in total contract:

Boomers don't settle for core age.

    Boomer men don't see themselves as growing old. and that they certainly do not assume any alterations of their top sexual performance--it may turn up to different guys, but no longer to me. Yet secret doubts lurk, and a single episode of slackened sexual ardor can raise the question: is that this the starting of the dreaded falling off?

THE should KNOWAND THE fear OF realizing

In lectures according to my closing publication, New Passages, one query is at all times certain to come up: "Is there a male menopause?"

    there is a need to understand and an equally weighty concern of realizing. after I first grew to be aware about the phenomenon, the evidence from guys turned into notably anecdotal. Six men sitting around a midtown new york bar after work--virile revenue managers and a hit sellers--all of whom look like backing up the hill from their midforties towards the great divide at 50. they've a few drinks, and, inside my earshot, one brassy boyo challenges the relaxation: "inform the certainty. How many times have you faked being asleep when your spouse receives into mattress with a glow in her eyes)"

    each man laughs. Then a crevice falls open in the dialog. the man within the energy tie who posed the query reaches out for a lifeline: "I mean, doesn't that happen to you guys?"

    bound, Mr. Winkle would not want to drink," yet another man says, chuckling. The rest chime in, putting off the issue on overwork, stress, having just a few too many.

    but these occasional factors do not do tons to illuminate the mystery of why so many guys in core life gradually lose their vitality and virility. They see somewhat older pals change from being bullish, buoyant, and decisive into being down, depressed, listless, and lustless. They wonder: Will it happen to me? Of course, being men, they refuse to discuss it. At most, the subject is couched in jokes and jibes.

An older man is walking down the road when he hears a frogtalking. The frog says, "if you opt for me up and kiss me, i'll turninto a beautiful girl."

the man picks up the frog and places It Into his pocket.

"are not you going to kiss me?" the frog complains. "i'll become a beautiful woman and you can have me all you desire."

"i'd reasonably have a talking frog in my pocket."

what is happening? Are they speaking simply about getting older? sure, but additionally about a larger challenge to a man's view of himself--an identifiable phenomenon with physical, hormonal, psychological, and sociological accessories--it truly is now trendily known as "male menopause." "We do not yet have a term for this five- to 12-12 months period of midlife in men, however they understand it is shared via each genders," acknowledges Dr. Eliot Sorel, president of the area affiliation for Social Psychiatry and scientific professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at George Washington tuition faculty of drugs.

    It soon became apparent to me that if menopause is the silent passage, male menopause is the unmentionable passage. It is simply as fundamental because the ending of the fertile length of a lady's lifestyles, since it strikes at the core of what it's to be a man--the element a person has at all times counted on to carry him pleasure, the issue that has worked for him tons of of times, mindlessly, like a desktop, by himself or with any number of companions, the source of his fantasies, the sword of his dominance, the very root of his evolution as Homo sapiens--his youthful sexual power and performance.

    in the April 1993 concern of conceitedness reasonable, with Sharon Stone on the cowl stripped to the waist and cupping her bare breasts, my male editors allowed me to publish one of the crucial first full discussions of the field: "The Unspeakable Passage: Is There a Male Menopause?" Ever considering, men and ladies had been speaking privately to me about this difficulty with out a correct identify. Interviews with more than 100 guys between the ages of 40 and 70 about this subject printed that the majority had been shunted from the urologist to the psychiatrist to the surgeon and ended up absolutely confused. I actually have additionally accompanied the work of some two dozen clinical certified in this narrow container who look at and deal with guys over forty littered with some diploma of sexual dysfunction *in mid- to later lifestyles. whereas the broader medical institution still through and massive ducks the subject, the mass media additionally continue to be cautious of touching the discipline, and that i found out why.

THE EIGHT-HUNDRED-POUND GORILLA

at some point in the fall of 1996 I obtained a call from a dynamic younger producer on the severe CBS magazine demonstrate forty eight Hours. Chuck Stevenson had examine my work on male menopause and interviewed some scientific specialists, and he desired to place collectively a chunk about men in core existence in sexual disaster. Chuck become most effective forty one. a bit young to be brooding about male menopause?

    "in fact, i am finding the field captivating," he noted. As he noticed it, "The precursor to men's midlife crisis is reduced sexual potential, which then triggers all these quite a lot of psychological emotions."

    i was delighted with Chuck's enlightened strategy. He and correspondent Erin Moriarty came out to do the interview within the backyard of my domestic in Berkeley, together with a three-man construction crew.

    For the interview, Chuck wanted to touch on "technical menopause--that small percent of men who truly would not have the testosterone."

    What I truly desired to focus on was not the small percentage of men who're already so incapacitated they might are seeking surgical relief My issue is the complete core latitude of guys who don't know what is average and who, when their sexual habits or efficiency adjustments, turn into so embarrassed or ashamed that they pull far from any intimacy. On digital camera, I described the most commonplace scenario:

The longer this difficulty is still unstated between a couple,the more substantial it grows, until there's an eight-hundred-poundgorilla in the bed room. nobody mentions it for sixmonths, two years, 5 years; meanwhile, the pair stopshugging, stops retaining hands, stops touching altogether,strikes to separate beds, to separate rooms, and ultimatelyseparate lives. They develop into estranged in all kinds of intimacybecause of this sexual shutdown.

When the shoot became over, I requested the producer how the piece would be titled and promoted. "that's going to be the toughest component for us," Chuck Stevenson admitted. "How can they make this segment move devoid of scaring off men? They can't say 'midlife crisis' or 'exchange of life.'" in the end, the section turned into titled "Undercover," which become inoffensive however meaningless. Nothing became left in in regards to the eight-hundred-pound gorilla. Chuck mentioned that the piece did not work. The intent, he informed me with remorseful about, become the large sensitivity of senior network executives to letting us focus on impotence.

    nonetheless it turned into the response of the tv creation crew that proved probably the most exciting. normally, a digicam crew tunes out while filming and just focuses on doing its job. whereas they mentioned the male menopause, these three guys blanched and reddened, but they held on to each word. After the taking pictures they stuck around to talk.

    i needed to hear about it," some of the cameramen pointed out candidly, "however I do not want to focus on it."

    "It was hitting too near home for me," admitted a further crew member. He turned into in his forties and residing through divorce hell. She became the one who left. "What really has to be said is the fact that when a man has a midlife sexual disaster, americans regularly say, 'or not it's all in your intellect, snap out of it.'

    "nonetheless it's basically part of the herbal course of routine," one of the most cameramen tried to reassure him.

    "that's correct," mentioned his colleague. "i can see now where you could get that rhinoceros in your bed room, or something you referred to as it-"

    "An eight-hundred-pound gorilla."

    "Yeah, and blocks might kind."

    "That made feel to me, too," spoke of the cameraman, "as a result of when communication breaks down in a wedding, or not it's all long past." unexpectedly his colleague had an Aha! moment--a type of little epiphanies that throws a floodlight on what one's lifestyles is basically about.

    "this is what happened in their marriage! no person definitely talked about the gorilla. They simply grew more and more aside. I don't consider find it irresistible turned into my fault. i was doing my obligation, doing what i used to be purported to do. i used to be just waiting it out. She acquired uninterested in ready, and it came about abruptly--the wedding fell aside."

    Doing one's responsibility and not speakme about the inner collapse of one's total concept of oneself is an all-too-normal "manly" stance at midlife. This e-book is meant as a pleasant book out of such useless ends. No man should still squander his precious life "simply waiting it out." And as soon as he discovers the enjoyable new map of guys's lives, laid out right here in data as well as many living examples, he may still be lured to explore new continents of creativeness and journey in no way before dreamt of by past generations.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------- (C) 1998 G. Merritt service provider All rights reserved. ISBN: 0-679-45273-7 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

CONTENTS

writer'S observe.......................................................XI ACKNOWLEDGMENTS....................................................XIX half I: WHAT DO men want? Chapter One it's a guy issue....................................3 Are You prepared for yet another lifestyles?...........................8 but i am now not ready!..........................................eleven The need to know and the concern of figuring out....................13 The Eight-Hundred-Pound Gorilla.............................14 Chapter Two the brand new MAP OF adult existence..........................17 The spouse's Nightmare........................................20 What to Do with All This Leftover life?.....................22 part II: FLOURISHING FORTIES Chapter Three WHY DO I nonetheless feel LIKE a kid?..................27 The arrogance disaster...........................................29 A Flagrant Freedom..........................................32 the daddy-Son Midlife vigor struggle.......................36 if you happen to Comin' domestic, Son?..................................37 The useless Father.............................................38 The Midlife Delinquent......................................41 Chapter 4 MANHOOD ON TRIAL..................................forty five Yuppie taking part in trap-up.....................................forty six Banker "Excessed" at domestic...................................47 the only Breadwinner's Insecurities.........................47 The Idealist's Angst........................................forty seven a tough Time to Be a man in His Forties......................50 Confronting the "False Self"................................fifty two Are You What You Smoke?.....................................53 "The large inconceivable"........................................fifty five The Reluctant Father........................................58 First Fatality Jitters......................................60 moving Up the Mortality Markers.............................63 Honor among men.............................................64 Manly sports: greater than only a video game.........................66 current Manhood fashions......................................sixty nine Chapter 5 MARRIED AND MORTAL................................78 The Aha! moment.............................................78 The coronary heart of the remember.....................................eighty one The Stonewaller's defense...................................eighty five The crisis with wives......................................88 half III: FEARLESS FIFTIES Chapter Six PASSAGE TO YOUR 2d maturity...................95 The Samson complex..........................................97 Mature Masculinity.........................................a hundred Former pro football big name...................................102 Geezer in Graduate college..................................103 Globe-trotting Journalist Turns Gardener...................103 The Fearless Professor.....................................106 past vigor...............................................108 Barry Diller's search for Self.............................112 Prospero's Passage.........................................116 Welcome to the Age of influence............................118 Chapter Seven REDIRECT YOUR lifestyles before THE HAMMER FALLS......121 The dark evening of Joe O'Dell...............................122 damaging Defenses.......................................one hundred twenty five The Comeback of Joe O'Dell.................................127 they may certainly not fireplace Me......................................128 The Rebirth................................................131 The Window of opportunity..................................133 Midlife cash Realities....................................one hundred thirty five What might Spook John Wayne?...............................136 surrender "i am the big Shot".................................137 constructing a team............................................139 Opening the religious Dimension............................141 discover Your ardour and Pursue It............................144 Chapter Eight LOVE AND war WITH other halves, FATHERS, babies......146 From Competing to Connecting...............................147 Gender Crossover: consolation or crisis?.......................149 teaching the teach.........................................151 Withholding intercourse............................................one hundred fifty five The protection internet wife........................................157 Making the Crossover Work..................................160 mind-intercourse changes..........................................161 Mellowing Out..............................................162 Empty heart................................................163 Mr. mom....................................................164 Father starvation..............................................166 Letting Go of a turning out to be Son................................167 what number of men friends can you count number?........................169 The Nest Is Empty--Are You equipped for Love in the Morning?...................................................172 part IV: WHO'S terrified of MALE MENOPAUSE? Chapter 9 THE MALE SEXUAL existence CYCLE.......................177 Magical Expectations.......................................178 The Male Sexual life Cycle.................................181 The Unspeakable Passage....................................185 men Behaving Intelligently.................................189 mind over Manliness........................................191 Chapter Ten secrets OF PERPETUAL VIRILITY.....................193 Would You fairly Have Steak and a Smoke Than Be a Sexual Athlete?............................................194 Magic Bullets..............................................196 When Sunday-Afternoon football Is more suitable Than intercourse..........198 Free Testosterone!.........................................200 DHEA: a person's grasp Hormone...............................202 Chemical Machismo..........................................202 Couples Work...............................................205 The Testimonial lady......................................209 Teaming up to discover the right medicine.....................210 part V: INFLUENTIAL SIXTIES Chapter Eleven PASSAGE TO THE AGE OF INTEGRITY................215 secrets and techniques of smartly-being within the Sixties.......................216 Imagining the Paul McCartney Retirement home...............219 don't Retire! Redirect!....................................220 searching on your Postcareer profession.........................222 His and Her Retirement Fantasies...........................224 Chapter Twelve growth VERSUS DESPAIR........................227 The Black Tempest..........................................229 do not again Up, extreme Tire damage!.........................231 assist isn't complicated to Get....................................233 i am not Having a heart attack!............................236 Absorbing the Blows of fate................................239 half VI: WHAT keeps a person younger? Chapter Thirteen UNCONVENTIONAL knowledge........................243 Do guys should Die sooner than women?.....................245 Unretired Champions........................................248 becoming and Regenerating brain.............................251 non secular starvation...........................................253 Love within the Twilight of lifestyles...............................254 A Lusty iciness.............................................255 APPENDICES APPENDIX A.....................................................259 dealing with Job Loss.......................................259 recommendations for Surviving Job Loss in middle life...........260 materials: profession Counselors...............................261 APPENDIX B.....................................................263 substances: Couples therapy.................................263 APPENDIX C.....................................................264 shopping for a physician/Male health clinic...................264 elements: Physicians and Therapists for Sexual fitness issues..............................................265 APPENDIX D.....................................................267 Preretirement Couples exercises............................267 APPENDIX E.....................................................268 Warning signs of melancholy................................268 BIBLIOGRAPHY.......................................................269 INDEX..............................................................275

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